Alright, before I start anything, I shall let out a few warnings for this post.
First, if you hate long and length blog post, skip this.
Second, if you hate emo-ish blog post, skip this.
Third, if you hate a person who is thinking stupidly, skip this.
Fourth, if you are an easily annoyed person, skip this.
Fifth, if you are the one I like, I don't recommend you read this.
Let me tell you the time I started blogging. It's 5.25 pm on June 2.
Reasons I created this blog post
First, to express myself.
Second, to let FCC-ians know why I practically cried just prior to alpha.
Third, apologize.
Fourth, I am lazy. Lazy to tell others what's happening in my life.
Fifth, I want you all to appreciate those around you. Don't repeat my mistake.
Alright, how should I start this?
On saturday, 31st May 2008, it's was still a normal saturday for me. Woke up, washed clothes, went for guitar lesson, Ricky, my sifu, said that I am very promising and wants to train me to play lead. I am deliberately happy. No one will ever know the future. Sometimes I do think that knowing the future is a good thing. But, not knowing is also a good thing. Why not knowing is a good thing? I dunno.. I can't talk well dy. I can't think well. I am not so me anymore.
Before I continue, names have been altered to protect the image of those involved. So I will regard myself as Colin (Went to cash converted and there were tags with names and their meaning imprinted. Victor and Colin had the same meaning, so i am using Colin).
Saturday night, I smsed a girl called Sarah (common name, not really sarah). My message triggered something. Unknowingly, that message changed my life. So I decided to get a reload card and called her that night. She said I'm not a good guy. I'm not who I should be. There are still some points, but I guess all those are hard enough for me. I could hear her crying at the end of the phone call. She deliberately ended the conversation. I felt bad. I called Jason Pang (no use hiding his name though). Talked with him through phone. Can't sleep that night. Perhaps only got 3-4 hours of sleep. Showtime again.
After ushering, I went to eat as usual. Went home to rest. But my mind was racing here and there. I can't seem to find peace. Went to alpha as usual. I knew in my logical mind, I can't lead a group if I've got dilemma in me. Thus, I have resolved to look for Tracy and Jason's prayers. Told them the problem bugging me, they told me to decide to start a relationship or let go. Why you might ask. I did not officially start a relationship with her. But feelings are here and there. 7 years, is all I can say about this feeling I have for her. Some will say, 7 years, there won't be any feel left behind. I thought so too. I didnt have goosebumps when I'm around her anymore. I didn't feel nervous and have plannings on the things I want to do with her whenever I go out with her. I too thought that it's over already.
But when tracy was telling me the logical part, which is to let go. I can't accept it. Seriously. My mind can think. I am a person who have no problem telling others what to do in relationship. I constantly remind my classmates to be gentleman, to bring their gf to eat, to contact their long distance gfs. I myself, am not qualified to say those, now I know. My mind tells me this. I'm in KL. She's somewhere else. I can't be beside her when she needs me most. I can't see her facial expression to deduce her current feeling now. A phone is still just a phone. I can't hug her when she needs one. I can't grab her food when she needs one. I just can't be a bf to her. Logically. My heart, aches. Knowing that's the best thing to do, my heart really aches. I really really really don't want to let go. My heart is really not willing.
Tracy and Jason prayed for me. Prayer content: Asking God to help me lead. Nothing related to the relationship, yet, my eyes can't stop producing tears. For no reason, I really burst out there. In front of God, in His home. Alpha started and being a person who don't want to scare the new people, I had to "tahan" my tears, and went to toilet. I though I'm ok. Reality, nope. When I went back in to worship, I cant. Just cant. Whenever I open my mouth to sing, I can't. Tears are just there waiting to flood my face. Thus, I have resolved to silent worship, and to wear a mask throughout alpha. I know Rev Khee Vun won't approve this, but that's what I thought I should do.
During the worship, I normally love to tell the Lord, to take total control of myself, and to let His will be done. Whether to get 1st class honors or not, let His will be done. Whether to be able to maintain my scholarship or not, let His will be done. Whether to lead a group or not, let His will be done. Whether to maintain or let go this relationship or not....
I just can't ask for His will be done. For the first time in my life, I can't ask for the Lord's will to be done. I just cant. The struggle at that time, was a first experience to me. To fully submit to the Lord, it's not easy. Sometimes I wonder, what God wants. I served. I served. I served. All I ask for is, just for this to work out. Still, I am thrown to a dead end. Why I wanted to ask. Why. Friends are there to encourage, sermon's cheerful enough to get me a mask of a cheerful leader. Masked myself, led the group. Done. Sent them back. Done.
Later the night I called her. I asked her to make a decision. Gave her a day's worth. Of course, when one makes an error, the accused can't decide their own fate. Others will. Thus I have asked her to decide. You know, formality kills. Being too technical kills. Technically. I'm not yet her bf. Thus, I have tried to refrain myself from treating her as a gf. This is the biggest error of my life. Sometimes, nike is correct. Just do it. Lots of times, I do want to message her to say how i feel.But I do think the words "I love you" only applies to couples. So I have refrained. At that second call moment, I do want to say those three words. But I know, it's gonna affect her decision. It's not going to help. So I refrained.
Decisions done. I'm officially single and available. I thought I should be ok with it. When I went to drink with theodore and the gang, I can't stop but to cry while I drive. I do apologize. I shocked the hell out of em. For the first time ever, they came up with super duper uber lame jokes. Yet, they are laughing at each other's jokes. I just can't. Good deed seen. Good deed noted. But I just can't smile. The drink session was the longest of my life.
Sinyu is playing beautiful beyond description at the other room now. I can't stop my tears soon. Yeah, I'm blogging at jason's room and not uni. Reason? Scared I'll scare the hell out of uni frens.
Drink session is longest. I spent 30 minutes there. Felt like eternity. I wanted to leave. I wanted to cry. I practically can't finish my drink. I remember I kept drinking and drinking. But my drink never ever finished. Had to get Tim to finish it for me. Went home, I get what I call a cry swing. Mood swing is when one day, u get good mood. Other day, you get bad mood. Cry swing, for me is the feeling when in the first 5 minutes, you feel like crying. When you finally decide to cry, you just can't cry. You don't feel crying. Then when you don't cry, the cycle continues.
Called lydia. Talked. Called theodore. Thank God for theodore. Without him, I can't really cry. Yeah, I finally could let it out in the conversation. Finally. After crying, I could go to sleep. Remembered it's around 2.15 am. Suddenly, I woke up. Feeling full. Feeling that I slept enough, all tiredness gone. Guess what? It's just 3 am. Shortest sleep I ever got. From that point onward, I can't sleep. When I lie on my bed, i became restless. I sat down. Restless. Played guitar, no mood. NO mood for anything. Now only i realize what my friends and the TVB drama series show. I always thought that they exaggerated their sadness. Now I know, they did not. Last time when I really liked another girl, and got rejected. I cried twice. Managed to sleep. I thought she was my first love. But no, this is my first love. I am in an even worse condition.
Was just looking outside my window when my dad woke up. Thinking bout my dad, I do respect him. Sometimes i feel disgusted with FCC members. They don't seem to appreciate my dad. Without my dad, David won't be playing guitar. Without my dad, I won't be fetching and sending you. Petrol is paid by my dad. Hey~! Sometimes I do wish everyone is like Ket Hon. He is good. He is the only person who appreciates older generations. Only person who talks to my dad. Only person to call him uncle. Thanks Ket Hon.
Once he left. My cry swing came back. Only this time, I really cried, then stopped. Then cried, then stopped. I watched sunrise on my own. Reminds me of the camp I went. I almost got to watch sunrise with her. Almost, only that I fell asleep. Stupid me. Stupid me.
Went out with Des, Tim and Jas today. They wanted me to feel good. I too want. But hard. Messages are aplenty today. Thanks everyone who cared. But I can only say sorry to disappoint you that I'm not as tough as I seem to be. Des asked me, how long will I set the period, to forget her, and look for another in KL. I really dunno. I hurt her twice. And now I finally can feel the hurt she felt before. I really feel sorry. But nothing can be done. How long will I set? Only God knows.
Some of you might be thinking, why am I saying all this? Is she reading this? I can say, she read my blog before, I dunno if she'll read this one. Hopefully not. Don't want her to feel bad. But I really have to express it out. I dun have a motive to be with her again. All I want is that she's doing ok and am living a happy life. I somehow have this fear now. Fear that if there's the third change, I fear I might hurt her the third time. I do fear.
It was a really long weekend. The time passed extremely slow. Felt like eternity.
I shall be ok I hope. Am ending this post here. Too long already. I shall end this with a public apology to her. I am sorry.
For those guys out there, don't repeat my mistake. Technicality and formality is good, but not too extreme. Appreciate those around you. Don't be like me. I guess I won't blog until after 12th June. Exams around the corner. Have to study.
Encouraging comments are not welcomed. Reason: I am not worthy for those comments. Thanks if you have thought of it before.
I will remember 1st June 2008 as my second birthday.
Blog ended, 6.08 pm.
I already planned what I'm gonna do for her birthday. Since there's no more chance of doing so. I shall reveal the plan. Reason: I don't use the same ideas on two girls. I believe she's much more precious than the previous one and she deserve much better ideas. Yet, I am stupid. I planned to surprise her by not sleeping whole day, sending happy birthday greetings in 24 different languages, sending each greeting at each hour. But don't think this idea will ever be used anymore.
